Life is full of so many draining demands and distractions! Just keeping up with simple daily needs, let alone major projects, seems to leave me and my man pretty worn out by the end of the day. We’d love to sit and have stirring conversation over devotions or create a romantic evening now that we’ve got a few minutes alone. But the reality is that it’s often just so late and we are so dog tired, that sometimes we feel like sitting, holding hands, and staring at a blank wall to gather our wits.
Arlene Pellicane is the author of 31 Days to a Happy Marriage and one of the key points I took away from her book was that she and her husband schedule their alone time (a concept I was familiar with) but that on those days in particular, she guarded her energy and made sure she didn’t just have time carved our for her husband, but that she had energy on reserve for him. This concept was totally new me. I knew time had to be reserved for our marriages, but the notion of saving energy was new – and up until the point I read her book, it wasn’t as much of a needed issue. But now? Wow! I’m still learning and praying to put this into practice, but I can see how much of a difference it makes in our family life!
I know Arlene just a bit and she is one of the most even keel ladies I think I’ve come to know. She also juggles a ton! Her energy reserve concept actually helps her accomplish so much. One of the ways she and her husband maintain energy for each other is by limiting their computer time after the kids are in bed. This makes sure they aren’t wasting that precious alone time. And on those days when she knows she needs to have that energy reserve for her husband, she makes sure she doesn’t choose that day to volunteer in her kids’ classroom or take her little ones to an amusement park. Doing those things also shows her husband the conscious effort she is putting into their relationship.
Energy calculating is a new concept for me. I’m not that good at it yet. In fact I am notorious for thinking I can jam more activity into the allotted time than humanly possible and I do the same with calculating my energy reserves. But the concept is necessary for marriage health.
So consider the resources you have to pour into the health of your marriage:
- time
- energy
- finances
- creativity (I am starting to think that creativity might be one of the most valuable assets we have because when all the others are tapped out, God can fill us with a creative solution! So foster and guard that creative energy of yours!)
- spiritual energy for prayer and seeking the Lord together
- simple people energy (maybe as an introvert you need to really watch this so you have the people energy to spend quality time with your spouse)
- “giving” energy – by the end of the day we can feel so “gived” out we need to make sure we reserve space in our mind and heart so we can be attentive to our honey. Frequently, my man might have a need, but he very rarely asks for help. Like he hardly ever says “My back is killing me! Will you give me a back rub?” I need to have the extra space in my energy to be watchful and offer help.
When God Himself walked this earth, He didn’t attend every wedding. He didn’t heal every sick person. He didn’t do everything everyone wanted or expected. Quite the opposite actually. If we want to be wives or husbands that fulfill the world’s expectations it will take our energies in many directions. But if we are following Christ’s example in our roles as husbands and wives, it will take us on a different, singular focused path.
Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30 NASB
I think we generally fall into one of two approaches toward God. Either we figure He is so far off that He really isn’t that interested in how we live our lives, so we don’t involve Him very much. Or we imagine He is looming over our every breath waiting to smite us for doing something wrong. If you fall into the second camp, you are more likely to be one of those people who weary yourself trying to do enough good to please God.
If you feel worn out in life, check your motives, check the Bible, pray and see if the Lord lays direction on your heart. He didn’t intend for you to carry crushing burdens, in fact He came to carry those for you. If we are careful about how we approach life’s demands we will have more energy for our spouses, our children, and for the difficult things that we don’t have any choosing over.
I’ve come more and more to appreciate my husband’s ability to just say, “no” to social expectations. He’s a pastor and lots of pastors lay the expectations of the congregations on the family’s shoulders. He doesn’t. But many times I’ve thought we should do all the hoopla-hoop-jumping. If I’ve insisted we do something and he agreed to go along with me, I often saw how much better he was at calculating the energy/emotional cost it would demand from our family. When people ask us for dinner now I refer them to our household social secretary, my husband. I just tend to run us way too ragged.
Spend some time praying about what your spouse would like most from you, what resources you have to feed into your marriage, and how you can guard those precious resources to bless your marriage!
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